27.11.14

I'm a semi-finalist for "Favorite Pee-In-Your-Pants Funny Blog"!!!

A couple of days ago, I got a tweet from Karen, stating that I was a 2014 Karen's World Blog Awards Semi-Finalist for "Favorite Pee-In-Your-Pants Funny Blog."


After I recovered from the insane amount of glee that comes from such a compliment, I figured I'd collect some of my favourite funny posts, so those who are perusing blogs before voting can get an idea of just how funny I am. Haha!

Side Note: There's a small chance my head's slightly larger than it was, pre-semi-finals-announcement. Good thing I don't need to wear a helmet. Haha!

So, without further ado, here are the posts!







*hands tissue so you can wipe your tears of laughter away*

(too presumptuous? Hahaha!)

So if you got a few chuckles out of these posts (and/or other posts you've read) I'd love if you could pop on over to Karen's blog before November 30th, and vote. There are quite a few categories, and in order to vote for me, you'll also have to vote for a blog in every other category. I'm aware that this is asking a lot, but PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE do it! I would positively adore confirmation that it's best to wear a pair of Depends before checking out my blog. Haha!

Thanks so much to whoever nominated me! And to all of you for voting!

I’m glad you guys liked the Mean Girls GIFs!


26.11.14

when nature attacks: how not to trap a mink

A few months ago (I’m waaaaay behind on blogging) we discovered that we had a mink living in our pond. After I wrote a post about it, I was informed that our mink may actually be a muskrat (thanks T-wrap and C-bread, my awesome Subway gals). Upon further inspection of the random sinkholes around the pond, we concluded that we did, in fact, have a muskrat. Mostly because mink don’t tunnel. That’s not to say that we didn't also have a mink, because the Remix spotted it trying to attack our bird feeder (why does bird seed attract all wildlife?) but in terms of what was living in the pond, it was a muskrat.

Armed with the knowledge that we had TWO rodent-esque squatters, we upped the ante and bought a bonus-sized container of sardines for the trap, and until we caught the mink, agreed that one of us would supervise the dogs during dusk and dawn. You know, because minks are dicks and attack smaller animals at dusk and dawn, including dogs with fairly bad survival skills (let’s not talk about the time that Pepi tried to lick a porcupine).

One morning, I was outside with the dogs, and popped inside for a second to boil water for more tea. We still hadn’t caught anything, but we hadn’t seen the muskrat or mink in a while, so I thought it would be okay. By the time I filled the kettle and walked back to the door, Pepi was waiting to come inside.

Pickle, however, was nowhere to be seen.

I called him a couple of times but there wasn’t so much as a rustle. Increasing my intensity, I called him again, walking around the deck. Still nothing. Beginning to panic, I got his favourite toy—a stuffed cheeseburger—and squeaked it, as Pickle ALWAYS comes running when he thinks you want to play.


But there was still nothing.

Now, in a full-blown meltdown, I proceeded to run around the property, barefoot because I couldn’t find any shoes, using my iPhone as a flashlight because it was still really early in the morning (yes, I’m up before dawn every day).

It was then that I heard a rattling. Not much, but enough to draw my attention to the left side of the pond, underneath the windmill. I sprinted over with my heart in my throat, terrified about what I’d find.

Then, I nearly wet my pants…

Please note the entirely appropriate, shamed look. 

I mean, seriously?

After taking a few pics (and possibly a little teasing) I let him out, but for the rest of the day, he stared at the can through the metal bars, whimpering oh-so-slightly and occasionally shaking with anticipation. Who knew sardines were so appealing?


At some point in the afternoon, I glanced outside and was surprised to not see Pickle staring at the trap. I figured that he’d finally given up on his Sardine Dreams, but then I noticed him rolling around on the ground, a few feet to the right.

If you have dogs, you know that rolling on something is code for: YAY! SOMETHING DEAD I CAN SMELL LIKE.

So, naturally, I ran outside to stop him. When I got there, the smell was pungent.

Why?

Because somehow, some way, Pickle had gotten the sardine can out of the trap, eaten the ENTIRE THING, and then rolled around in the juices because he couldn’t get enough. As you can imagine, he was pretty much the grossest smelling dog of life. But even two baths later, it was still funny. I mean, he got caught in a mink trap, learned from his mistakes, and then performed a miraculous Sardine Snatch without getting trapped. For a walnut-sized brain, it’s really quite impressive. When the Remix came home, I told him all about it and we had a great old laugh.

That is, until Pickle proceeded to have explosive bum problems for the next five days. I won’t go into any further detail (you’re welcome) but let’s just say that he’s lucky he still lives with us after The Week of Grossness and Rubber Gloves.

Judge Judy Finally Hears Case Involving Grindr (x)

In the meantime, we figured Pickle had ruined the first trap’s location, so we moved it to the other side of the pond. And, wouldn’t you know, a few days later, I was psyched to come outside, near dusk, to see something furry in the trap.

However, upon further inspection, I discovered that it was neither a mink nor a muskrat.

It was Pickle.

Again.

Fridays at 4PM 

Lesson Learned: When attempting to trap a rodent-esque creature, make sure you don’t have a Yorkie.


21.11.14

the nail files: snowy tips


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***

So despite my countless prayers, winter has arrived early.



To make myself feel better about it, I decided to do a pretty, winter-y mani.

(Side Note: It didn't really work, but I totally get bonus points for trying. Haha!)


For the base, I did two coats of Man Hunt on all fingers, and let it dry completely. Then, it was gradient time. I used my standard technique of brushing the polish right onto a triangular makeup sponge, starting with a stripe of Black Expressionism at the bottom of the sponge, followed by a stripe of Man Hunt and then Paper Mache on top. The coverage was pretty good after one coat, but I did a second because I'm obsessive about blending. Haha!


When that was dry, I got a flat nail art brush and added a half-ish coat of The Outer Edge and then topped it all off with two coats of There's Snow One Like You, which I put on with a dotting tool because it's all chunky. Ha!


While outside freezing my face off to take a natural light picture, I was suddenly inspired by Lulubelle's nature-y nail pictures and...well...next thing I knew, I had taken about fifty outdoor pics in various spots around the yard. Haha!

These two are my faves from the bunch:




What did your nails look like this week? Link up to show them off! I hope everyone has an awesome weekend!


14.11.14

the nail files: best hot pink sparkles ever!


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***

I went shopping with my mum on Wednesday, and we stopped into Sally's to check out all of the holiday sparkles. And man oh man, are there ever some goodies this year! So, this week, I'm sharing a mani that was inspired by one of my latest purchases: the incredibly beautiful Explosion of Fun, which is from ORLY's Sparkle collection. 


You don't really get a good enough look at Explosion of Fun in that pic, so here's a WAY better one. Haha!


*swoons*

Haha!

And here's what I did with it:


To start, I did two coats of Black Expressionism on my pinky, pointer, and thumb, and two coats of Billie Jean on my middle and ring finger. When that was dry, I got to work on the gradient. With a triangular makeup sponge and painted three stripes of polish: Billie Jean, Tart-y for the Party, and Charged Up. Then, I sponged on two coats. After that was dry, I painted a thick stripe of Explosion of Fun onto the sponge, and dabbed it on the bottom almost-half. A coat of quick-dry top coat sealed it all in.


About half an hour later (just to be sure the polish was TOTALLY dry) I put on the five pieces of striping tape, pressed down firmly, and painted over them with Black Expressionism. A minute later, I peeled them off and added the stud. And even though I waited an entire hour, when I applied a top coat, it smudged, which made me feel a bit like this...


Haha! Okay, I didn't actually cry. But I sure swore a lot!

Anyway, when it was all said and done, the black nails were a tad plain, so I added a dot of Billie Jean, followed by a dot of Explosion of Fun, and VOILA! The mani was complete. Haha!

Doesn't it look like...well...an explosion of fun coming out of the silver stud? Haha!

(Side note: that may not have been the best name. Just saying.)


So even though it totally smudged, I don't really care. The sparkles are to-freaking-die, and terribly hard to capture in a picture (I took no less than sixty, yes SIXTY, for this post). If, like me, you've been on the lookout for an amazing hot pink sparkle to add to your collection, you'll need to blow off work and get a bottle before they sell out.

Have you found any incredible holiday sparkles that I should know about? Who's seen the new OPI Gwen collection? Is it as marvellous as it seems online? And don't forget to link up with your manis/reviews, as well as swing by Toria's blog for a Jamberry party! Woot woot for parties!! Happy weekend, everyone!


book review: first grave on the right

Disclaimer: The following review has A LOT of all-caps, because I can't help but SCREAM about how much I LOVE this book. You've been warned. Haha!


First Grave on the Right (Charley Davidson)

I was trolling around on Amazon, as one does when they're supposed to be cleaning the kitchen, when I saw this delightful cover. Before I even knew what this book was about, I was clicking Buy Now. I mean, metallic skull sandals, nice mani/pedi, huge statement ring, random weapon, and a monochromatic colour scheme with a pop of hot pink?! SOLD. Haha! Just to be sure, though, I read the description and considering this book is about Charley Davidson, a private-investigator-slash-grim-reaper, the witty title pushed me over the edge and I couldn't load it on my iPad fast enough.

And MAN, am I ever glad I did. I swear, I'm chuckling to myself right now just writing about it. Haha! <-- SEE?!?

The main character, Charley, is an absolute hoot. Her voice, guys and gals. HER VOICE. It's SO FREAKING FUNNY. It's not a purposeful funny, either, which is totally the hardest kind to write. Instead, it's the way Charley processes information--her personal lens of the world, if you will. It's so fresh and unique that I can't compare her to anyone else. This is first-person POV at its finest

And then there are the secondary characters. Cookie, her secretary/partner who is just as sassy and funny, and Charley's dad and uncle, who are cops that she helps...you know, because Charley's a grim reaper and can therefore speak to the dead. And the dead! They're hysterical! And creepy, of course. Some are VERY VERY creepy and I haven't been nearly as relaxed in the shower since reading FIRST GRAVE ON THE RIGHT, but they add a fantastic dimension to the plot, meaning that their addition creates a whole other sub-section of sub-plots. Does that make sense? Let's hope so. Ha!

Oh, and let's not forget the steam factor, because OH YES THERE IS A STEAM FACTOR. Of like, a hundred. Holy Fracking Love Interest, Batman. Reyes is an out-of-this-world hottie, which I mean in more ways than one. So if an incredibly hilarious, smart-ass heroine and a thriller/mystery plot including dead people isn't enough to pique your interest, then pick this book up for the hotness. Just make sure you have a fan nearby. You'll need it. 

But the very BEST part FIRST GRAVE ON THE RIGHT? If you love it (which I'm pretty sure you will) then have no fear that the good times are over because you'll get to read all about Charley in another six books. Yes, guys and gals, there are seven--yes SEVEN--books in this series! In the time it's taken me to draft, proof, and post this review, I've already read the second. And it was just as much fun as this one, so the other five shall be mine soon. SOON, I SAY. You should do the same and then we can chat about how much we love Charley and Reyes. Mmmm...Reyes. ;)

I'm linking up with Heather for Book Club Friday! Head on over and check out some new reads! Get it? Check out? Haha! I'm not nearly as funny as Charley. ;)




7.11.14

the nail files: go wild!


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***

It's been a seriously long time since I've done any animal prints, and since I couldn't decide, I opted to do two, yes TWO different ones. Because I'm crazy like that. Haha!



Cheetah:
I started with two coats of Rooney and when that was dry, got out a medium dotting too and made some blobs with Boundary of Memory. After that dried, I got out a smaller dotting tool, and surrounded each of the glitter blobs, with smaller, slightly curved blobs. Yes, in case you're wondering, blobs are where it's at. Haha!

Zebra:
After two coats of Paper Mache for a base, I got a long, skinny nail art brush and made the stripes with Black Expressionism. I find the Finger Paints polish is better than black Stripe Rite, because it goes on smoothly and doesn't need a second coat. To add some sparkle, I traced a few of the black lines with silver glitter Stripe Rite. 


What were you rocking this week? Link up and show off! And I hope you have an awesome weekend! 


6.11.14

poor unfortunate souls

Hey! So I'm reallllllllllly late for a Halloween post, but better late than never, right? Haha!

When I thought about what I wanted to be for Halloween this year, I decided it should be something that made use of my current boob situation. There's a new drug on the horizon, set to be FDA approved next year, and that means that my steroid-induced, ginormous rack could be on its way out. WOOT WOOT! Seriously. I don't know how you large-chested gals do it.

Now, as we all know, the majority of costumes for women are slutty versions of occupations/characters/superheroes/whatever, which was sooooooo not going to happen, but thankfully, I managed to think of a boob-central costume that wasn't super skanky...Ursula!


I usually make my own costumes completely from scratch, but I was quite nervous about the tentacle situation, so I found a dress that already had them and then modified it. And by "modified," I mean "added one million sequins." Haha!


I also made a Floatsum Jetsum shrug, because Ursula's nothing without her minions. Haha! I watched a YouTube tutorial for the makeup, and thank freaking goodness or I'd never have known how to cover up my eyebrows (spoiler: it takes FOREVER). 

Although not purposely coordinated, my pal was kind of an unfortunate soul, dressed as a Mexican Sugar Skull. 

And, of course, I did a matching mani of a purple-to-black gradient, with purple sparkles on the tips. 


When we were all set, we headed out for our super fun night on the town, which is where my super fun Halloween story begins...

My pal and I got tickets to see a cabaret performance of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, at 10 p.m., on Friday. I know, there seriously couldn't be a better production to see on Halloween. We were SUPER psyched, to put it mildly.

We arrived at the theatre to see that most of the audience members were dressed up. Some were Rocky characters while others, like us, opted for other costumes. No matter what people were dressed up as, though, they all looked fabulous.

We weren't expecting an intermission, as it was a cabaret and not the entire show, but it was a nice break as it gave us the chance to refresh our cocktails (an act that was heavily suggested by Rocky, himself, haha). Unfortunately, there were only two bartenders to serve over 100 people (no comment), so the line moved super slowly. So slowly, in fact, that the show started before we got our drinks. A very cute usher said that we could pop in after we got our drinks, so we continued our wait.

Just as we got to the bar (YAY) the usher tapped me on the shoulder.

"You're needed inside," he said.

I looked at my pal, and then back at the usher. "Uh," I said, "you know that we're in the audience, right? Why would they need us?"

"You," the usher corrected. "You're needed inside. Your friend can get your drink."

Confused, my pal said she'd get the drinks, and I followed the usher towards the theatre door. The second I stepped inside, the actress playing Columbia took my hand and dragged me up to the stage. Apparently, there was a costume contest and I'd gotten a bye to the finals. Haha!

Rocky instructed the four finalists, myself included, to do the Time Warp, which seemed like a no-brainer until the band played a country song. Needless to say, we looked like total idiots for the next three minutes. (Well played, Rocky.) When we were finished making complete asses of ourselves, Rocky told the audience that the winner would be decided by applause. 

Rocky went through the line, with a Rocky-scientist inspired gal getting a good amount of cheering, followed by a guy dressed up as a keg (who pretended to fill people's glasses while waiting in line--a man after my own heart, haha), and then another woman with impeccable Columbia costume. Considering we were at a Rocky show, she received a booming amount of applause, and I happily accepted that I wasn't going to win. Rocky got to me and, sure enough, I got a fair amount of applause, but nowhere near as much as the Columbia to my right.

Rocky, however, wasn't impressed.

I'm not totally sure what I was doing with my face here. Haha!

He looked into the audience, and with a hand on his hip, told them they could fuck right off (I should probably clarify that this was a kind of off-broadway kind of cabaret, and some liberties were taken with the swearing. Ha!). Then, he said he was "pulling a Simon Cowell," and declared me as the winner. Haha!! It was awesome! Plus, it was my first time ever winning a costume contest! 

After the show, my pal and I chatted with a few members of the cast, and then we continued on with our night. I must say, though, that the Rocky show, and my subsequent win in a costume contest we didn't know about was absolutely the highlight.

YAY FOR HALLOWEEN!!!




31.10.14

the nail files: peek a BOO


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***

It's time! It's time!

YAY FOR HALLOWEEN!!!!!


Nobody expresses my excitement level like Big Ang. #mobwivesforlife

In case you haven't noticed, I'm hella psyched. Haha! But how could I not be? It's finally dress up day, which is one of the top three days of the whole freaking year!

Woot Woot!!

And although the mani I'm sharing this week doesn't match my costume, it's still totally Halloween-y.



I started with two coats of Iconic Orange, and then did two coats of the gradient, using a triangular make-up sponge. When that was dry, I added white dots for the eyes with a large dotting tool, and added black pupils with a medium dotting tool. That's it, folks! And as much as Daniela likes to make fun of me for saying (loveyourfacegirl), it was a pretty simple mani! Haha!


What are your plans for tonight? What are you dressing up as? I WANT TO KNOW BECAUSE HALLOWEEN IS THE BEST (NO I DON'T CARE THAT I'M SCREAMING). Haha!

Don't forget to link up and show off your pretties!


Also, as a small announcement, Toria will be hosting a Jamberry party on her blog on Nov 14, so mark it in your calendars! There'll be some activities and the chance to win some prizes. :)


24.10.14

the nail files: glamorous ghosts


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Woot woot! It's Friday! Only two weeks until Halloween!



I've seen some mega scary nails out there for Halloween, but I'm a total scardy-cat, so I'm opting for a more fun loving kind of mani. Please keep your shredded tips to yourself.

*shudders*

I kept it pretty simple, using only black and white.



Believe it or not, this was a really easy mani. I applied two coats of base colour and then let it dry for a while. With the brush from the bottle, I used Paper Mache to make the ghosts. A few black dots for the eyes and the mouth and voila! Ghosts!

I've been on another nail art supplies binge and picked up some neon studs a couple of weeks ago. There were some small neon orange circles, so I added them, followed by some rhinestones because I seriously cannot handle a mani without some sparkle.

The rhinestones are hard to see with the indoor picture, but BAM, did they stand out when I went outside. Haha!


Are you rocking Halloween nails already? If so, what are you wearing? And don't forget to link up and show off. Happy weekend!

(Also? Anyone else singing Fergie in their head? Whenever I see the word glamourus, I have to spell it. Fergie style. Haha!)




17.10.14

the nail files: triangular tips


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***

This week, my mani didn't turn out quite as I envisioned. Ugh. I just hate when that happens, don't you? I mean, the end result was okay, but I'll probably end up trying the same design but with different colours. C'est la vie, right?




I started with two coats of Intelligence, Integrity & Courage and when that was dry, got out my painter's tape and started cutting strips. I placed them along the top of each nail (or bottom, in the case of my middle finger), creating a triangle. I rubbed the edges of the tape with my finger a couple of times to get a good seal, and then added two coats of Pool Party

After that was dry-ish, I peeled off the tape and then waited for it to dry, fully. The final touch was the white border, where I used standard Stripe Rite.


I think this mani's problem was putting the pink over the grey. I'd imagined a super bright pop of pink, but it ended up looking way more orangey-red. Not the worst, but still a booooo. Haha!!

Did you have better luck than me? What did your nails look like this week? Link up and show 'em off!