Fresh Bread's a Tease

I'm baking some bread and it just smells amazing. I start fantasizing about all the yummy things than can be melted into the crusty warm-ness as soon as I pop it in the oven. When I pull the golden-brown loaf out of the oven (which has often split on the top, creating extra crunchiness...drool), I feel a surge of pride and some kind of bond with pioneer women (with the added bonus of my Kitchen Aid mixer, of course).

Having to wait for it to cool to eat it is the longest 40 minutes ever and right now, I'm only halfway through....

Grilled Cheeses for everyone!! (in 20 minutes, that is)

Zipper to nowhere

Julie, Julie, Julie...

The white dress you wore last night was poorly constructed and had a zipper going down the bustline but then abruptly ended just above your waist. What was the point of that zipper? Awful, girl, just awful.

Your shoes were cute and your hair looked a little better...but you still need to invest some of your BB money in a full length mirror. In fact, you could even take it a step further and do it Clueless-style with polaroids!!

Or maybe a visit to the optometrist? There's a lot of summer left...


Wal-Mart Pages

Every so often, when you're shopping for rolled-back prices on your everyday goods at Wal-Mart, there's a page that goes through the store. Usually, it's some staff-related issue or the request for customers to pay for the items because it was approaching closing time.


If you're lucky.

Once every blue moon, there's a hilarious page.

The first one I heard was in my 1st year of Undergrad and the page went a little something like: "Would the owner of a blue car {read license plate} please return to their vehicle? Your dog would like to breathe. Repeat. Your dog would like to breathe."

Today was another blue moon as, this morning, the overhead intercom speaker blurted out:
"Would Tim Wilnat please come to the front of the store? Your wife is here and she would like to leave now."

Best day ever.

I love that MTV doesn't play music anymore because...

it leaves lots of room for The Real World: New Orleans!

Every now and then, I'll start watching whatever Real World is playing during the summer, but I managed to catch the premiere episode last week and, I'll admit it, I'm hooked.

The characters they find found to do this show are remarkable. A former pain-pill addict (oh yeah, obviously the best choice after being sober for 5 months), an intensely drama-queen-ish-but-surprisingly-not-gay hair stylist, an incredibly attractive dude and then a few ladies, one of whom is hilarious. I'm watching the second episode right now and this crew of misfits haven't wasted an time in bringing the craziness level up to a 9!

It's hard to believe that I acted like that when I was 21...well, maybe not that hard. I can't imagine having those times recorded and then played to the masses though, although I would fully have submitted to the recording if I had the option of a private showing...can you imagine? It would be hilarious and embarrassing at the same time, which is my personal favourite combination of mis-matched feelings.


Oh Julie...

OK, so her outfit last night wasn't as hideous as usual, but now there's a new problem.

Her arms were so greased up it looked like she was about to rip off her dress (which would usually mark an improvement anyway) and start posing in a tiny orange bikini. This wasn't body sparkles, but pure grease. In fact, it was reminiscent for my House Committee initiation when I was back living in residence.

I was dressed up as the Incredible Hulk and, as such, my initiators felt it was appropriate to rub Vaseline all over me, hair included (I had to use dish soap several times to wash it out). It was really funny when we were out at the bar, but it should be noted that the goal of the Vaseline was to embarrass me.

So, Julie. I ask you. Why would you do the same and not expect the same result? Obviously, you can't see yourself on TV as you're hosting, but watch a re-run once in a while! You look like an oiled hot mess.

No offense.


Teen Mom

I can't help it.

I'm totally addicted to this heart wrenching show.

I was surprised to see that a new season had started and I feel like it should be mandatory viewing for any child who's thinking about having sex. Obviously, it's MTV-ized so it's a reality-show perspective, but I feel like the also show a lot of the realities of being a teen mom.

Now, I don't have personal experience on the matter, but I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be alone and raising a baby while also going to school and working. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do everything and I can't understand how teenage girls don't live in fear of getting pregnant in high school - I was constantly paranoid about it, and still am (like being pregnant with my husband's baby is such a scandal, oh what would the neighbors say?...haha, anyway, moving on...).

I remember the guy that I lost my virginity to and man, was that guy an ass. I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I'd gotten pregnant by him, but I'm pretty sure it'd be in the horrific-nightmare category. Oh. I'm actually shuddering just thinking about it. Ew.

Yeah, so I may buy the box set of Teen Mom and make any future children of ours sit down and watch it. I know that you end up scarring your kids no matter how you raise them, but I'd like to be sure and scar them with the reality of what sex really means and how it can change your life in an instant. I'm so grateful that I got my teen years (and early 20s) to myself so that I could make all the mistakes I did without my actions hurting an innocent child and would want the same for my kids.

Blah, blah, blah, so I watched it this morning, followed by the new Real World: New Orleans (which shows promise on being excessively dramatic and maybe unwatchable, we'll see) and was left feeling sad after the first and happy after the latter. I guess I'll just watch both at the same time - it's not so long when you can eliminate the commercials...


2012: The Movie

Marc and I watched 2012 last night and, aside from it almost qualifying for the Harry Potter/Twilight treatment of separate films (it ended just shy of 3 hours), it was pretty good.

Until the end.

No, I'm not referring to the actual plot end of the movie (which was fine), but the dialogue within the last 30 minutes of the movie.

The last 30 minutes of the movie take place in the last 15 minutes of a countdown, where at the end, bad stuff happens (no spoilers here, haha). Now, when time is of the essence, one would think that keeping things short and simple is best.

Not only were there three unnecessary and excessively tedious random monologues, but the storyline started to get completely ridiculous.

I was all like, "Shouldn't they shut up and get going?"
And Marc was all like, "I'd tell that guy to shut up, seriously! Look at the clock!"

It was pretty funny really.

You'd have to watch it to get it, and I do recommend it...if you have a spare 3 hours available to sit and watch tv. Like, if it's raining on a hungover Sunday morning...I mean, it's John Cusack, so it can't be that bad, right?

When you get to the end, I suspect you'll laugh as I did, which kind of spoils the mood the filmmakers were obviously aiming for, but it's still a great watch nonetheless.


Dear Invisible Neighbours:

We're fighting.

Stop doing construction on your house. The beeping! The beeping!

Paving the driveway better be the last thing you're doing or I'm going to start letting the dogs out at 6am...oh yeah. Although, since you're not there, I guess that's not really very threatening.

All right, so I don't have much now, but I'll be thinking about my revenge all day today.

Two can play at this game.


Deers Use Daycare Too

I'm sitting outside this afternoon, despite the mild rain showers, and about two hours ago I saw the single-mother deer walk past our backyard going East-ish (maybe. I don't have a great sense of direction, basically I think everything directly in front of me is North and then judge accordingly, but essentially, the deer started on my left and then went off into the forest on my right).

Then, just now, I see the single-mother deer coming back the other way, with her 2 Bambinos (get it? Bambi's that are also babies...although Babmi is a baby...whatever, it's still funny!!).

Now, they were definitely not with her before, so either she was picking them up from their Dad's visitation, or they were at Deer-Care (Ho-lay, I am on FIRE today!)...


Omg, Julie Chen!

OK. Now, I don't really like hating on others...but...

Julie Chen?! What's going on, girl?

What were you wearing last night (or, every night, for that matter)? The weirdo neckline was awful, the tailoring was reminicent of a cruise-ship crooner, and your hair was a hot mess. Here's a tip, if your hair looks like a weave, but is in fact your hair, that's BAD!

The teal colour of your dress was nice, but that's about it.

Hire this woman a stylist! BB brings in ratings so I know you can afford it!

Hell Julie, just hire one yourself! You could look so much better! Does she not watch the shows afterwards and see how bad it is?

Oh honey...


There's a 40 - 60% chance my coffee table is trying to kill me.

Yesterday, it was the worst toe-stub of my life (blister still at the tip of my tiny toe).

Today, my shin!

Has someone moved it?

How am I suddenly running into it three times a day?

The obvious conclusion is that it's an assassinating coffee-table.

I can sense it planning its next attack and, frankly, I'm a little nervous.

Wouldn't It Be Nice If:

You could get an even tan without laying on your stomach?

I'm much more comfortable sitting in a lounger and reading a book than laying on my tummy while propping myself up with my elbows so I can read. You try and shift to slightly different positions, but they all end up being uncomfortable and I'm forced to rest my chin directly on the edge of the lounger with the book directly below me, which also becomes uncomfortable, but for my eyes, after longer than 30 minutes.

So, wouldn't it be nice?

Clean lather & rinse!

So for the first time in almost two years, when I washed my hair this morning, there wasn't a puddle of purple at my feet.

I love my purple highlights, but they are seriously high-maintenance and after it's retouched, I live in fear of staining our shower/towels. Yesterday though, I got the colour lifted out and now have big chunks of blonde. It's a change, that's for sure, but I love that I'll be able to go swimming now without having purple water flow off of my head and stain stuff!

Seriously. I take my own towels when I go anywhere because I'm scared about ruing other people's. Plus, the slight amount of dye that runs out sometimes stains my skin too if it's not washed off fast enough.

For those of you who are wondering, it runs out because it's a temporary dye (although made my professionals...there is no Manic Panic happening here). I long for the days for a permanent bright colour!

Anyway, the lack of run-out means that I can float and swim all I like and I can now dunk my head too (and thank goodness because it's going to be about 30 today and I may need to drive across the river for a dip!).

I will say though, that blonde looks a lot more summery than the purple. Maybe the fun colours will be reserved for winter time...

Greatest poser ever.

Was out driving yesterday and a Harley Davidson truck flew past me, nbd, as I've seen them around before.

However, when I ended up behind the truck when I got into town, I saw (in fact) that the truck wasn't exactly legit.

The owner had decided to take it upon himself to spray paint a large-scale, not-so-accurate emblem (in orange) on the back of his black pickup. However, I'm not sure he knew how to use a spray paint can properly because there were crazy run lines that made it a little harder to read.

Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough, he decided to cap it all off with orange stripes on the side with some type of message at the bottom that was too small/smudged to read.

Possibly the highlight of my week!


Dear Pinky Toe:

I'm so sorry that I almost amputated you off of my foot when I rammed, full-force, into the coffee table (which was reminiscent of a certain other full-force shin ramming incident from a few years back). It must have been just awful for you because of the little metal plate that covers the bottom of each coffee table leg.

I'm also sorry that now you have a strange bruise developing and what appeared to be an instant blood blister. This totally sucks and looks strange next to your Shrek-inspired nail polish.

You're throbbing and I can't do a thing about it.

Again, my apologies.


ps. You're starting to look gross so you may want to think about covering up. Just sayin'


Pepi's Strange Behavior.

We've bought the dogs a few stuffed toys lately and a disturbing trend has emerged.

While Pickle loves the toys and attacks them with vigor...

Pepi grabs onto the eyeballs and just naws.

Until he's eaten them.

The eyes.

Then he loses interest in the toy.

It's creepy creepy.


Dear Maybelline's "The Falsies" Mascara:

I've been trying to find less expensive makeup recently and a friend got me addicted to CoverGirl's Lashblast. It was under $10 and lasted for about 3 months of everyday use. My former mascara was just over $40 and lasted just as long, so this was a remarkable financial improvement!

However, last week I bought a waterproof LashBlast instead of my regular and was just the worst!

The. Worst.

Clumpy, spider-leg looking lashes that took forever to remove, even with the special greasy remover that I had to buy the day after I realized that it wasn't coming off with my usual stuff.

Just awful.

But, since I've been sticking to the budget, I had to resort to using a slightly older blue mascara that I already had and it was making me sad.

Well...yadda, yadda, yadda...yesterday I was in the grocery store and saw a very pretty purple display case in the pharmacy department for The Falsies. It was on sale for only $4! I decided to forgo my lunch treat and instead, get this mascara.

It's AMAZING!! Like the best mascara ever! How did you do it, Maybelline? My lashes have never looked better and you're less than CoverGirl.

It's a match made in heaven!

I love you.



You know what sounds are the opposite of soothing?

Tile saws.

Rock Hammering.

French Cursing.

All three of which are delighting my ears as I'm relaxing outside in the shade on this gorgeous yet humid summer day.

I can't wait for the new invisible neighbours to stop ruining my life.


I heart floating, the sequel

Impromptu float along the river today was just the best way to end the day. It was swealteringly hot here yesterday, so the river was just warm enough to still be refreshing. There was hardly anybody there, but the best part was an extreme makeout that was happening when we were approaching the final staircase out of the river.

We thought it was a couple of teenagers, possibly the owner's son. When we got closer though, we noticed that it was a lady in her 30s and dude in his 40s. It was a seriously steamy session that we obviously stared at because that was the dock we were going to, and it was really funny to see a middle-aged couple (is it middle-aged at 30?) just gettin' 'er done, intense PDA-style.

Not quite as awesome as my hero, the woman floating solo with a bottle of red wine, but still a great random floating experience.

I seriously love floating! If you come here, we are going. Period.


Dear Mall Cops of America:

I've watched your show and you take your job pretty seriously. So, the question is:

If you had to scale it, just how pissed were you guys when Paul Blart: Mall Cop came out?

You know, from One to Ten (Ten being a beat-down in the loading docks after closing where there'd be no witnesses).

I gotta figure it's at least a 7...

Jamie Walters

Man, I forgot all about him!

I was flipping through the channels this morning and caught the end of a vintage 90210 and - bam! - there he was.

He was the first concert I ever saw, courtesy of a birthday party at Canada's Wonderland...I believe I was 12? It was epic, man (bahaha, obviously it was, in fact, the opposite of epic, although I do remember some girl throwing her huge bra on stage. I was all like, "What stupid girl would throw a bra on stage? We're riding roller-coasters later, loser, and you could knock someone out with those things!"). You know, because when you bought your admission to the park, it included a concert from 2 - 3pm. Nothing says "artist" like having your performance sandwiched in between midway games and funnel cakes.

Also in this episode was a crazy plot twist with Kelly in a cult?! Mental. And then the cued uplifting-end-of -the-tv-special music when she was walking out of said cult? Just glorious.

But yeah, Jamie - dude, what the heck happened to ya? I can't remember the name of your first (and possibly only) hit, on wait! Is it Talk to an Angel?

BAM! I just googled that little hunch and I was right.

Hm...maybe I shouldn't be so proud about that...

Today has a humidex of 100% so I'm stuck indoors, not to be confused with the dooryard, which is outside of the house and located on the same side as the front door. Booya!


Best 10 Days Ever!

It has been a non-stop, jam-packed ten days and it's been just awesome! The weather's been holding out since I've been back home and everyone's been in a fantastic mood.

I think we're going swimming at a friend's house this afternoon because it's supposed to be almost 35! I had my tea outside this morning and it was already 15! I really do heart summer.

I walked the dogs for about an hour yesterday and this morning, it's been made official that it was too much for all of us. Pepi actually tried to lay down in some shade after about 40 minutes, but there was nothing we could do but keep going. I slept for 12 hours last night, after crashing at 8pm. Needless to say, I will be cutting that back. I'm excited for when 45 minutes seems like a breeze, but I guess I have to slow down the expectations. *eye roll*

I also made the best cake ever for a friend, as you can see above. I friggin' love making cakes! This one was a little easier than I thought it would be and it turned out really well without any major hiccups. The "gravy" really makes it look awesome, but the melted and tinted marshmallows were impossible to cut (yummy, but a real mess). I'm very excited for the next cake I'll be making in a few weeks, but haven't decided if it'll be pretty or funny. Frankly, I'm more of a funny cake gal, but I haven't thought up a great idea yet. I'm sure I'll be inspired soon though! Woot Woot! Cottage-party in 3 week-ends!! It will also be the first time the dogs come camping, so we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping Pepi wants to swim!


Dear Val Kilmer:

Now, I'm no movie critic, but you kinda suck as Batman.

It's not your incredible range, demonstrated in The Saint (which, btw, I like a lot despite the annoying scientist from Adventures in Babysitting), which seems to be lacking, but you're not really the superhero type.

Christian Bale. Y.E.S.

Val Kilmer. Not-so-Much, at all really.

George Clooney. All Right, although he's really more of a lover than a fighter.

Lesson Learned: More Bale.