Oh Em Gee, I was almost eaten by a spider.
It was hiding in the umbrella that I wanted to put up over the table because I needed some shade and I'm going to have to find a therapist to deal with my PTSD.
Before we left a couple of weeks ago, we unhooked the umbrella so it wouldn't fly away when we were gone (it's the shape of a rectangle and thusly, is a large wind catcher even when closed) and just leaned it up against the corner of the deck. When I went to put it in the holder, it didn't even occur to me that Aragog's 2nd cousin (re: the large spider from Harry Potter, high-five if you got that one!) could be waiting to eat my face.
Obviously, when I saw him (how could I miss him, he was bigger than Pickle) I screeched and ran back inside the house. That would have been the end of this story, but all of my stuff was still on the table (laptop, manuscript, phone, and other important things) so I knew that I had to go back outside to get it all (Marc won't be home for hours, otherwise this would have been diverted to a Blue Job).
Crouching on the ground, under the table (just in case he decided to fall on me - basically my worst nightmare) I started the felt-way-longer-than-three-minute collection of my things. One frantic hand-grab after another...after scoping out the fox-sized-spider's-location, of course, I'd managed to collect everything and make it back inside, physically unscathed (but emotionally scarred for life).
Living in a forest is awesome sometimes, but right now. It sucks.
I am so having nightmares about that guy tonight. Ew. *shudder, shudder*