I Ain't No Little Red Riding Hood

There have been two strange and unexplained things that have happened in the last few months regarding our garbage. Earlier in the summer, we woke up to find our substantial garbage box tipped over on its side. We had been warned not to leave garbage in an accessible place because of raccoons, so we diligently locked it up to avoid having a gross mess to clean up. There were no marks of any kind on the tipped-on-its-side box and the lock didn't look like it had been tampered with. It's really heavy, even with nothing in it, so although we didn't know what it was, we knew that whatever pushed it over wasn't a raccoons (briefly, we considered a pack of smarter-than-the-average-raccoon, but then dismissed the idea). We were freaked out by it enough to move the garbage/recycling to our shed for storage (since recycling only happens once a month here; it really piles up).

Two days ago, Marc woke up to go to work and the doors to our shed were wide open. The recycling was still sitting in its blue boxes, but the garbage bags were gone. Like disappeared. No trace of garbage anywhere.

Side Story: Just this past weekend, my bank called me because somebody cloned my card and withdrew a bunch of cash (total.bummer). The amount stolen was underneath the bank's 'serious issue' amount, so I'm guaranteed to get it back, even if they don't find the clone-r. Thank goodness.

Due to my recent experience with fraud - I lost my mind, when Marc called me later in the morning to tell me why there was a large piece of conduit shoved between the shed's door handles. There were no claw marks - no marks of any kind really, but the doors were both flapping open at 6am. I searched around our property and found no evidence of an animal and quickly became convinced that the thief had somehow gotten our address and stolen our garbage so they could steal the rest of my entire identity. Marc didn't seem too worried about it, as I ranted on and on about how I need to cancel every card that I have and start from scratch, but his calmness did little to ease my frantic-pacing-nail-biting(theoretically, I love my nails too much to actually gnaw on them) state.

When Marc came home from work, he took the dogs for a more extensive search of the property, and about half an hour later, returned with news that he'd found one of the bags. It wasn't torn to shreds, but was way back in the forest. Weird, right?

So THEN, he was asking guys from work (locals, who have much more extensive nature experience) about what could break into our shed without leaving a mark, and they said it was probably a "little Black Bear" and there "wasn't anything to worry about."



(clearly, these dudes don't know me. At all.)

I stood there, in our kitchen with my mouth wide open when Marc laid "the info" on me. I am not equipped to deal with this much nature. We are way out of our element here.

Bunnies. OK.

Foxes. All right.

"Little" Black Bears? No. 

Also - just how small is a "little" black bear? Is their Momma nearby, who's much larger and potentially angry? Is the "little" bear going to grow up to be a big bear? WILL IT KEEP COMING BACK?!? I'm no Little Red Riding Hood. Nope - not even close.

The surprising end to the potential-bear-invasion was a phone number that we could call, free of charge, which would send some dudes out with a live-trap to catch the tiny giant and re-release it....{insert stunned face, swiftly followed by hysterical laughter}

Who you gonna call? Bear Busters!!

Oh, NB. I heart you.


  1. OMG I would die! I love that the guys said "little" black bear! HA! That is still super scary! I would have camped out in the backyard to catch whoever did it, therefore, I'd get eaten by a bear.

  2. I am cracking up! "Due to my recent experience with fraud, i lost my mind..." I'm totally going to substitute in any appropriate words and use this. Due to my recent stress of packing our entire house alone and planning to move in with my in-laws, I lost my mind when my husband called to tell me he traded the Honda Civic for a cart-pulling mini-donkey. (This really happened. I am too traumatized to blog about it yet.) I love your writing style!

  3. P&F - I cannot WAIT to read that posting!!! You had me at 'Honda Civic' (my first car, possibly the greatest of all little cars) and I was sold with 'mini-donkey.' I hope that your PTSD subsides so you can tell it!
    Thanks for the compliment; it made me smile first thing this morning!

  4. Megan - if we lived back in a urban setting, I would SO be that girl, camped out in camo at the end of the driveway, waiting for the thief. This forest makes scary noises though and it showed me that even though I can see "30" on the horizon...I'm still scared of the dark. However, this makes me bear-attack free...so I guess that's good!


Whattaya got to say about that? *waits*

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