You are batshit-shutthefrontdoor-crah-ZAY!
I have just finished watching an episode of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" and you are a total nutter.
Do you think that anchors on the 6 O'clock news are also out to get you? Do they say things directly to you that nobody else can hear? Is your house tin-foiled on the inside?
Stop the madness!
Here's a tip: If you want to look like you're on the phone then actually be on the phone. Also, if you're going to fake being on the phone - don't tell the person beside you first. It's embarrassing.
For reals. Please get the tapes and watch them...straight...all of them. I feel that you'd need to see them all in a row so you can see the impact of your paranoia. That's the real issue for you, by the way -- PARANOIA!!
Nobody's out to get you; it's all in your head, girl!
Take your meds! (I kid, I kid).
Just relax a little already. You've gotten yourself all wound up and have nowhere to go but complete and utter insanity. You're walking on the edge of that abyss right now, so you really need to take a breath, hug your kids and read "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."
Unless of course, your plan was to be a little famewhore and you're loving all of the attention. If that's the case, you may still want to dial it back slightly because nobody likes the meanie-pants.