10.10.12

I’m No Jane Austen: How To Attract A Man



The Jane Austen Handbook


In a time when communication between unmarried persons of the opposite sex is so proscribed by social mores, it is difficult to let a man know that you find him attractive. In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection that she feels because a man’s own natural diffidence might lead him to think that she is not interested in him otherwise. But how to do so and maintain your reputation? Read on for some techniques that will get the point across—unless he is a blockhead, of course. But you wouldn’t want to marry a blockhead, anyway.


Again, the intro to this section shows me—right off the bat—that I’m in trouble…except for the blockhead bit, of course. That's hilarious!


1. Flatter his vanity.
Tell him that he's funny and smart and good-looking? That sounds easy enough, right? WRONG! The Regency England kind of flattery involves a woman listening to everything a man says with “great interest,” admiring “everything” he does, and agreeing with him on all subjects. It even goes as far to say that if you do disagree with him, you should backpedal until he’s convinced that you agree with him.

Yeah.Right.

Points earned: 0


2. Talk about him to his relatives.
Relevant backstory: The Remix is a cousin of a girl I went to high school with. That girl and I used to go running together, and sometimes we’d talk about him. Granted, it wasn’t like she hooked the two of us up but still, she’s a relative and I talked to her about him so I'm taking the point. 

Points earned: 1


3. Offer to perform little services for him.
Such services include mending his pen or stockings. Hmm…yeah, this one’s probably not going to go in my favour. In fact, it might be a minus point because when The Remix and I first started dating, he was a total clean freak. I mean, he ironed his sheets and once, I caught him ironing his tube socks. Seven years later, he now irons the collar and cuffs of shirts and occasionally wears sweatpants to the grocery store. Oh, how I made him fall.

Points earned: 0


4. Ask him if he would like to go “stargazing.”
According to The Manual, stargazing is the Regency England equivalent to “watching a movie.” And as The Remix knows, I was all about asking him if he wanted to come in at midnight to “watch a movie.” The Manual also states if he’s too clueless to know what "stargazing" means, it’s time to rethink your affection for the guy. Solid suggestion, if you ask me.

Points earned: 1


5. Keep your cool.
First off, it really says to keep your cool! Haha!! Basically this point says that if he shows interest in another lady, you’re supposed to pretend that you don’t care and then tease him about his “conquests.”
Um…yeah…this one’s kind of a given for me. OF COURSE I tease people—it’s kind of what I do. And I’m not a jealous person by nature, so basically, I nailed this one. *fist pump*

Points earned: 1


6. Mirror his actions.
Yup, this is exactly as it sounds—an excuse to become a stalker. Suggestions include reading a book if he’s reading one and running after him when he goes for a walk because it just happens to be the time for your “daily stroll in the shrubbery.”

Side story: When a pal and I were bumming around France in the summer of ’05, we stayed with a family who continually told us to “not walk in the bushes.” Because that’s obviously where we’d want to walk (not really). Maybe they thought we were living our lives according to The Jane Austen Manual...BAHAHA!!! Oh man, I couldn't even get through that one. As if we were ever that classy (right, LeDouf?).

Moving on.

In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, I have never, ever, ever (in my entire history of dating) pretended to be into something that I wasn’t. Like, ever.

Points earned: 0


7. Find him irresistible.
Okay, well this one’s easy.

Points earned: 1


Total points for attracting a man: 4/7 = 57%


So, to sum up, according to The Jane Austen Manual, I’m 58% of a lady and have about a fifty-fifty chance of attracting a man. Not great, but I guess it could be worse. 


How many of these points did you get?


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