DISCLAIMER: This post isn’t quite as inappropriate as the title suggests but it’s still kinda icky. You’ve been warned.
A couple of weeks ago, I was running some errands and got a wicked headache. Rather than waiting until I got home, I popped into a drugstore for some Advil. While perusing the aisles for a travel pack, I overheard a conversation that, frankly, is still moderately traumatizing.
So, there I was, in the Advil aisle, directly next to the birth control aisle, when a girlie voice filled the air.
“Are those big enough?” the voice asked.
“Probably. Hey, these ones are flavoured,” another girlie voice said.
Tee-hee-hee! Someone’s browsing the condom section, I thought to myself and proceeded to take my sweet time so I could hear more.
“Whoa, these ones are huge!”
“Will 12 be enough?”
“I don’t know but I don’t want to come back.”
“These ones glow in the dark!”
When I turned the corner to head to the cash, I saw that the girls were, in fact, teenagers.
Wow! Not only are these responsible girls but they’re responsible TEEN girls.
Bravo kiddies, is what I wanted to say (but didn’t). Then, two guys came down the aisle to join them. Naturally, I pretended to be interested in mouthwash so I could keep listening.
“I hate cherry,” one of the dudes said.
“Why does it have to taste like something, anyway?” the other dude asked.
“Fine,” the first girl said. “We’ll just get this one.”
WOW! These must be the most responsible teens ON THE PLANET! They’re buying contraceptives TOGETHER! Amazing! Maybe those seasons of Teen Mom are starting to rub off.
But then, something strange happened. The kids ended up in front of me in line at the cash and I noticed that, instead of buying condoms, they were buying lube. LUBE! And, let me be clear here, there was only one bottle.
Are they seriously buying lube? Why only one bottle? Did they plan on sharing it? Who shares lube? WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?
*insert traumatizing plethora thoughts regarding inappropriate teenage sexual activity*
*stares into space after brain shuts down*
In a matter of seconds, the four teenagers who I had formerly praised in my head for being uber mature, morphed into pre-school children. Complete with diapers and soothers. I mean, condoms are one thing but isn’t lube a little advanced for teens? When did teen sex go from being awkward and clumsy to slick and lube-y? Just the act of having sex was excitement enough for me when I was their age but now kids are buying supplemental sexy-time products? What year is this? Where am I? Also, when did I become one of those people who remarks, “When I was their age?”
So, dear readers, I ask you this: Have you ever had a “remind you of your age” experience? If so, please share it. There’s solace in numbers and I need me some solace.
But now, I’m afraid that you must excuse me. I need to take a Silkwood shower and then catch the early bird supper special. I believe it’s an open-faced turkey sandwich today. Mmmm…..