22.10.13

cross-species confusion

Sometime before Christmas, The Remix and I will be moving back to Ontario. We don't have a confirmed date yet, but we know that it's imminent. So, naturally, we've been going moderately insane trying to do all the things that need to be done. Unfortunately, that means that our little fur babies, Pickle and Pepi, have been a tad neglected as of late, which is the very reason this little story happened in the first place.

You see, even under the best circumstances, Pickle is high maintenance. For instance, Pickle is presently sleeping next to me on not one, but two pillows that are on top of the couch because just being on the couch isn't good enough. Anyway, the point is that during the last month, Pickle has essentially been freaking the eff out and all it's done is remind us of the 14-hour drive from Ontario to New Brunswick, which included excessive and constant panting, sharp but soft whining, and a beady-eyed stare of unhappiness that bore through the back of our seats to the point that I swear I could physically feel it. Needless to say, neither The Remix or I are prepared to do that shit again. Ha! So, after careful deliberation, we've decided to fly because then at least Pickle will be losing his mind for a fraction of the time.

But then I wondered if there was such a thing as doggie Valium, because maybe if Pickle was a little floaty, he wouldn't drive us insane he'd be more relaxed. My vet said that doggie Valium would be perfect for Pickle and he would be able to take half a dose that would keep him somewhat mellow for about eight hours, which is more than we need for a flight. Score. And in the meantime, she recommended that Pickle wear a lavender scented collar, as the aromatherapy could help him during our packing process.

So, off to Petsmart I went, in search of lavender scented collars because I am Fur Baby Mother Of The Year, despite Pickle consistently preferring The Remix's company (not that I'm still bitter). Instead of wandering around the store forever, I grabbed the first associate I could find and asked here where the lavender scented dog collars were. She looked puzzled and said she had never heard of lavender-scented collars for dogs, but then raised a finger in the air and triumphantly declared that they had some in the cat section.

Now, in case you don't know, Pickle is a Yorkie and therefore, almost the size of a cat (being that he weighs a respectable seven pounds) so I said that would probably work. After getting the collar, the associate read the package and said that the collar only lasted for 30 days, which, for eight bucks, seemed mighty high but since I'm a sucker nothing's too good for my baby, I said that was fine. Just as I was about to pay for the collar, though, I noticed something on the label.

It was directly underneath the 30-day guarantee, yet the associate didn't seem to think that it was an important feature to mention. Namely, that the collar not only had lavender sewn into the cloth, but also mother cat pheromones.

REPEAT: MOTHER CAT PHEROMONES.

Apparently, the combination of the pheromones and the lavender make for a relaxed kitty but can you imagine if I put that collar on Pickle and then let him out? How far does the scent travel? Would he attract every kitty in a three-block radius, like the Pied Piper, only with more cats (and less murdering)? And how confused would the cats have been? Uh, I came over here to hang with a surrogate mother, but you are a tiny dog. WHAT SORCERY IS THIS? Also, I'm highly allergic to cats, so if Pickle's feline fan club decided to hold its meetings on my porch, I would drop dead the second I stepped outside (which is why Pickle would be a less-murderous Pied Piper, as there would still be one casualty--me).

I'll admit that I'm no animal expert but I'm pretty sure that wearing pheromones for another species is a level of confusion that is best left unexplored, and despite the associate's unbridled confidence that "nothing like that would happen," and "it should still work fine," I didn't get him the collar. 

So now I'm back to dealing with a stressed little Picklepants, but at least I don't have to tunnel through a heaping pile of cats to get to my front door. Err...I guess that's a win, right? Ha!




4 comments:

Beth W said...

I loved this so much, I had to read it out loud to Fedora (who laughed and then, fixer-boy that he is, said "why doesn't she just get a cloth collar and then dip it in lavender oil?"). Poor Pickle. :)

Bailie @ The Hemborg Wife said...

Yeah anything with pheromones just seems bad!

Stacy Dohogne Lane said...

I'm with Bailie, pheremones seem risky! I'd go w/the doggy valium all the way. Good luck with the move! I know how you feel about the furbabe preferring another's company despite the lengths you go to for them...Ninja is eaten up with her Dad even though I'm the one who fixes her food up with fresh pumpkin and cleans up her puke.

TriGirl said...

Oh I can't even imagine. But I would think you could create your own lavender satchel on his collar. Or even just put one in his pillow/on his bed.