8.4.14

5 tips on how to avoid scaring the crap out of yourself while home alone

My handsome hubby, The Remix, got a little promotion at work last month. YAY! It meant he had to go away for a week for training, though, which resulted in me spending spending an extended amount of time alone in our new house.

And you know what I found out? This house is scary at night. Probably because we're in the countray. Yes, the italics and additional "a" are completely appropriate on the latter part of country. We're nestled in between farms. On a dirt road. That literally has more horses on it than cars. In short, our home would be an excellent set for an episode of Criminal Minds, because it's so isolated. 

Luckily, though, over the last week, I figured out how to make it less scary for myself and in the interest of scary-free houses everywhere, I humbly offer the following tips.

1. Do not hang towels on door frames. In the glorious daylight, a towel hanging on a door frame looks…well…just like a towel hanging on the door. But at night? That towel turns into a ghost. A scary ghost. The scariest ghost in the history of the world, in fact, because it's not only watching you sleep and attempting to murder you by inciting a heart attack, but because it's directly in front of your escape route. Namely, the door. Not only that, but the murderous ghost is next to the light switch and at three in the morning, when you drag yourself to the bathroom and your heart stops because there's a hovering ghost blocking your way, there is no other choice but to close your eyes and launch yourself in the general direction of the light switch. Yes, the sudden brightness will blind you, but the payoff is that the ghost turns back into a towel and you can go pee. So, to avoid the cycle of blinding night-terror, keep all towels off all door frames. 

2. Close all drapes and blinds. At first, I thought that living in the country meant that I'd never have to close the curtains again because aside from this pervert, there's nobody around. But, on the first night of being alone, I realized that all scary movies have a scene where someone comes up behind you, and you only see them when it's too late, making you super scared directly before, and then during your murder. Frankly, I'd rather just be surprise-murdered instead of scared and then murdered because the confusion would cancel out the pain. Hopefully. 

Upon rereading the first part of this tip, I feel that I should note my ideal situation would be for no murder to occur at all. BY NO MEANS IS THIS A MURDER INVITATION.

Good, so with that cleared up, back to the drapes and why you need to close them. Haha! It's because when it's dark outside and you have the lights on inside, a window becomes a reflective surface. But not a perfect one. It's more of a ghostly reflection, and those are way scarier. So close those curtains people! And if you can't, for reasons like this one…


in which a big-ass window with no drape is directly at the bottom of the staircase that leads to the bedrooms, then it's very important to never look directly at said big-ass window when you scamper up to bed. Yes, it will take practice but you can do it. I believe in you.

3. Don't look in any mirror. All the reasons I stated in #2 are applicable for mirrors as well, but since I understand that it may be challenging to wash off your makeup without some mirror face-time, I offer the following suggestions. First, make sure that all the lights are on and don't ever close your eyes. Ever. Eyes open, people. ALWAYS. And you must maintain eye contact with yourself for the duration. If you look away, even for a second, you can't look back. Why? Because when you do, the killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer will probably appear behind you with a long, shiny scythe. So just like Eminem in 8 Mile, you've only got one shot. And if you don't manage to succeed in maintaining direct eye contact with yourself, just leave the bathroom and wipe whatever product is left on your face with a pair of jeans from your laundry hamper. 

4. Change your text ringtone. Because hearing Will Ferrell screaming "We're going streaking!" is startling when you know you're home by yourself, in the middle of nowhere. A soothing double tone, or perhaps an uplifting pixie-ish tune are far better options. 

5. Do not accidentally begin watching American Horror Story, Coven. Pretty much everyone watches television when they're alone. Maybe not for a long time, but most likely, some television is involved. Now, I don't really watch television, as much as I'm on my computer or phone while glancing up at it from time to time. But it was that carelessness that led to The Night I Hardly Slept, otherwise known as last Tuesday, because I didn't see the show change on the channel where I had previously been watching something funny (as that's what I watch, almost exclusively). The story seemed interesting, though, which made me put my computer away and start watching for real. And for the first seven minutes, it was a very engaging story but at minute eight, ten thousand terrifying things happened at once and I'm pretty sure that I've been scarred for life. So be aware of what's coming up next on your television station of choice, people!

The Remix is home now, thank freaking goodness, so I can change my ringtone back to the hilarious Will Ferrell but the next time I'm home alone, I'll be making sure to implement the above-mentioned tips as soon as the sun begins to set. Haha!!

Do you have any tips for me to add to my list? How do you not scare the crap out of yourself when you're home alone?