Last week, due to continuous thunderstorms, we were without internet for a couple of days.
I know. It was horrible.
So, needless to say, I had the longest week ever.
And because it was the longest week ever and I didn't have much to do, I thought I'd jot down what one of my typical internet-less days were like. Thankfully, I'm back online now but MAN, guys, it was super brutally bad. Just take a look and I'm sure that you'll agree. Haha!
6:03 AM – Attempt to check email, only to see that the internet is still down.
6:04 AM – Sprint to modem, hoping and praying that there will be five lights and maybe all it needs is a reset. Heart sinks because modem has only two lights, meaning there's no signal.
6:05 AM – Sigh deeply.
6:06 AM – Boil water for tea while convincing self that it’s really no big deal that I don’t have internet. Again.
6:08 AM – Attempt to check email on phone while tea steeps, only to remember that the internet is down.
6:09 AM – Let loose a string of profanities better left undocumented.
6:14 AM – Break down and switch to 3G on iPhone to check email and social media for latest trending hashtag.
6:24 AM – Realize that 10 minutes have passed and vow to not switch to 3G again for the rest of the day because of potential overage charges.
6:30 AM – Take longest shower of life.
7:30 AM – Go back downstairs with primped hair and makeup for no reason other than needing to stall until resetting the modem again.
7:31 AM – Reset modem.
7:32 AM – Cry because there really is no internet.
7:33 AM – Stop crying in order to preserve makeup.
7:33 AM – Start reading.
7:35 AM – Stop reading and switch to 3G data because I’m 80% sure that something amazing is being featured on Groopdealz and I don't want to miss out.
7:50 AM – Realize I somehow started reading an article about social injustice in the UK but cannot research issue due to immense data consumption. Reaffirm vow to not use any more data because last month’s bill was bananas.
7:55 AM – Seriously, seriously turn off the phone. For reals. Like, all the way off.
7:56 AM – Turn phone back on because someone may call and I don't want to miss my only connection to the outside world.
8:00 AM – Leave house to run errands because some of the places I need to go have wifi.
11:00 AM – Return home after world’s longest morning of errands that ended up being super annoying and not at all enjoyable, mostly because people are jerks.
11:01 AM – Reset modem.
11:02 – 11:06 AM – Rage-filled phone call with satellite internet service provider where I continually pose the question of why the satellite television works, but the satellite internet does not. Make note of the service technicians not appreciating my candor, which is ridiculous because I’m extra-hilarious when I’m losing my mind.
11:08 – 11:30 AM – Hate my whole life because I’m convinced that I’m missing tons of awesome things and all I want to do is respond to the mass of emails that have cumulated since the first no-internet day, two days earlier.
11:30 – 12:00 PM – Engage in intense daydream about a potential protest I can launch at City Hall because access to internet is now considered a UN basic human right and even though we’re sandwiched between two towns with high-speed internet, my road is stuck with satellite, which could be interpreted as a lack of internet because whenever there’s a storm, I can’t get a signal.
12:01 PM – Due to my inability to research this new basic right thoroughly, opt to not launch protest, although strongly consider writing letter to the UN, if I ever have the chance to look up the address, that is.
12:02 – 2:30 PM – Take nap because there’s nothing else to do and I’m worn out after all the hateful daydreaming and jerk-filled errands.
2:31 PM – Wake up, reset modem.
2:32 – 2:58 PM – Second phase of protest daydream, with a particular focus on celebrities who can join my cause. Channing Tatum being one because, well, Channing Tatum.
2:59 PM – Check email on phone as quickly as possible while promising self that I will not browse social media accounts because I have a tendency to get sucked into the vortex.
3:07 PM – Weep because of the data bill I’m going to get, as I have no will power and have been browsing for almost 10 minutes.
3:10 PM – Reset modem.
3:20 – 5:10 PM – Read/stare at window for any movement or sound because that would mean Marc’s home and I’ll have someone to talk to, while making deals with The Universe to get Rogers to come earlier than 2020 to install high-speed cable internet in my area (yes, you read that right—TWENTY TWENTY).
5:13 PM – Marc finally comes home. I rejoice and pseudo-attack him at the door with a flying barrage of words that I hadn’t been able to share with anyone else because of the lack of internet.
5:14 PM – Marc takes in the shambles of our home but has the wisdom not to ask why I didn’t spend my solitary day cleaning.
7:40 PM – Marc finds my cold, still-steeping tea from the morning, and pours it down sink. You know, because it’s been steeping for 12+ hours. He then envelopes me in a bear hug because it’s clear I lost my mind due to the lack of internet, and possibly the lack of caffeine.
8:30 PM – Draw curtains in bedroom because it’s still light out but I need a new day and maybe the new day will have internet.
6:30 AM – Wake up, see there’s still no internet, and repeat previous Worst Day Ever.